Insomnia Bites…

I hardly think it possible for a sleep deprived mother of 3 to suffer from insomnia. I hardly think it’s fair, either. It’s been since August of 05 since I have had a good night’s sleep. It’s been since August 05 since I have actually slept until 7am… Do you realize that is 2 years? They say (I have no idea who They is/are) that you spend a good deal of your life asleep. Well They certainly do not know me! They say that good sleep leads to a healthier and happier life. They also say that the more you sleep the thinner you are? I guess it has to do with not having so many hours awake to go to the freezer and dig the spoon in to the carton of mint chocolate chip (Edy’s) every few minutes. So, if I had two hours, or more, of sleep daily, I could conceivably eat one gallon less a week… that would save anywhere from 4 to 8 dollars (sometimes Edy’s has a great sale) and therefore I could be quite a bit richer… I could save over $200 a year alone on ice cream consumption if I slept two more hours! Ok, I really hope you know I was joking about the ice cream… but still! Sometimes I want to sleep and don’t have insomnia… but nature is too cruel. On those days my alarm clock, who will turn two on September 7th, decides to get me up instead.

So I am not sleeping when clearly the whole world is, but I can not do anything productive either. No, really, I am not kidding. Alexander’s bedroom is at the top of the stairs next to mine. This kid has Super Power hearing. So I have to be very very quiet in my early morning hours. Because there is only one thing worse than being up at 5 am and that is being up with a not-quite-two-year-old at 5 am!

I have my morning routine almost down to a science, though. I tiptoe out of my bedroom (yes I have wall to wall carpeting but there is a creak that I must avoid at all costs) and walk down the stairs ever so carefully, as if I am walking on eggshells…No, not as if, I am walking on damn eggshells… There is a nasty creak at the bottom of the stairs as well that I need to avoid. When I have safely made it to the bottom I scurry across the family room to the kitchen. I still have to be quiet because those Super Power Ears hear everything. I can not wake him. I can not run water or open my 1938 “charming vintage” (as described by our realtor) cabinets because there are 48 layers of paint (that our painter was supposed to sand and said he did but we know he didn’t) that makes it impossible to open and shut without making noise. So, I have my mug already out on the counter from the night before and my coffee already brewed and waiting for me. (What on earth did I do prior to my programmable coffee maker, I wonder?) The sugar is out, the milk is not. Though I assure you, if I had to I would. I would keep one of my Coleman coolers chilled with ice packs galore and my milk. You betcha I have thought of it!

Once coffee is safely in mug I can repeat the treacherous task of returning upstairs without making any noise whatsoever. Truth be told, there are still times I am unsuccessful. Today I consider myself lucky and successful. Well, not lucky that I have been up since 4:24, but lucky in that it is 6:07 and my alarm clock who will turn two in September has not sounded yet! And, I still have 3/4 of my 2nd mug full!

Why don’t I stay downstairs? Because my husband, sometimes referred to as the Children’s Father, almost always falls asleep in front of the TV. One minute he’s awake and the very next minute he is out… and cold! It’s the strangest thing. I call it nighttime narcolepsy. And I can not wake him. Nothing, and I mean nothing can. And I certainly can not move him, so there I let him lie… sometimes I am nice enough to cover him up with a blanket and plant a little kiss on his forehead. We’re like Yin and Yang, I tell you. He sleeps through everything and I sleep through nothing! (And Alexander apparently takes after Yang.)

In the olden days, before, our beloved Alexander Don almost always came upstairs. His nighttime narcolepsy was not as bad back then. What I did have to deal with though, was the snoring. And this was not just a little snore. This was big stuff. His in the Major Leagues here. He’d snore and I would kick him out (literally!) or else I would have to crawl into the guest room bed. We played Musical Beds almost nightly. In fact, not too long ago we got a new bed in the guest room because Don thought the old one was so uncomfortable. So why don’t we use it? Alexander is why!

Alexander’s room is a makeshift-walk-through to the office. There’s enough room in there for a crib, a highboy, a rocker and a changing table and that is it… Another reason we need to move out of this Crazy Crowded House… we can not fit a bed in there!

Since this kid has Super Power hearing one can not play Musical Beds anymore without waking the baby. And trust me you do not want to wake him up in the middle of the night unless you want to get up and party when you do. We can not turn the guest room into his room either because it also serves as the (dreaded) Home Office. Hence, Reason #416 we need to move from this Crazy Crowded House.

And because my Adoring Husband knows how sleep deprived I am he said he would rather sleep on the couch (in a coma-like state) than have me deal with his snoring all night or force me to go downstairs. So, when he falls asleep downstairs he is actually doing me a favor.. Don told me he had recently seen a new trend in homes… two master bedrooms… His and Her bedrooms… we think there is something to be said about that!

So because Don is often downstairs asleep in the couch I cannot really hang out there in the morning. It is not for fear of waking him up because I won’t but it’s the snoring… even awake, I can not stand it!

Oh bother, I must quit my rambling as it is 6:35 and my alarm clock who will turn two in September has just gone off!

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