What about Me?

I had some time to spare yesterday morning. Our sitter was at the house with Alexander and I was done with my motherly school duties and my auction meeting. My sitter had an hour and a half before her classes started. (She is a college student in town.) I contemplated going home to play with Alexander, then quickly decided against it. I thought I would use the time for myself. Then something happened. I got in the car and had no idea what to do. What was I going to do by myself and for myself? I have sitters quite regularly but usually they are here to serve a purpose. Usually I have a doctor’s appointment or an errand to run or something to do with or for one of the children. I would have gone shopping but I had gone, with Alexander in tow, the other day. I really did not have enough time to sit through a manicure and pedicure. (I have 3 gift certificates for such.) So I found myself with an hour and a half to myself but no where to go and nothing to do. I drove around aimlessly for a few minutes and found myself headed towards Border’s. I can lose myself in bookstores for hours. I can spend hour upon hour in a good bookstore. Border’s was a perfect destination. On my way there my cell phone rang. It was my friend Ann wanting to know if I would meet her someplace for an early lunch. Not really enough time for that either, I asked if she would accept a rain check. I would prefer not to be rushed over my lunch, instead eat leisurely with a nice glass of wine!

I continued in the direction of Border’s, parked the car and walked over to the new releases, both in hardcover as well as parperback. I picked up book after book, glancing each one over fairly quickly. Nothing really grabbing me. I saw two that I thought Don would like and tucked them under my arm. I contemplated going upstairs to look at the children’s books. My kids do not need more books. I reprimanded myself for even thinking about doing something for the children. This was time for me. My time. My Me Time. And yet I had no idea what to do with it and what to do with myself. I am completely pathetic. I have turned into one of “those” people. One of those mothers whose life is centered completely around her children. Admittedly I am not proud of this. I spent my 20s as a selfish, celf centered girl out for fun. There is nothing left of that girl who has dedicated the last 10 years to raise and nurture her children. That in itself is nothing to be ashamed of and there is nothing bad in that, but what happened to me? What happened to my passions and my hobbies?

I left Border’s with over a half hour to spare. I left with nothing for myself, just the two books for Don, by Atul Gawande; Better, A Surgeon’s Notes on Performance and Complications, A Surgeon’s Notes on an Imperfect Science.
Yes, I will read both as they look fascinating, but they were not purchased for me. I also bought Madeleine L’Engle’s classic story A Wrinkle in Time for Rebecca. Typical.

I found myself next at Starbucks ordering a Tall Light Frapuccino. It was cool and delicious. A nice treat for myself. I went upstairs and found a nice club cair by the window overlooking the parking lot. I pulled out the new purchases and started flipping through the pages. I opened A Wrinkle in Time first, then I glanced through Don’s books. After a few minutes I placed the books back in their bag and found myself with leftover time and nothing to do. I went to the car and headed back home.

I have my sitter returning tomorrow morning and I resolve to have a morning planned out all to myself. I will do things for myself and by myself. I will not think about the kids. At least I will try not to…